Author: Judy

My Purpose.

 

On the way back from Gainesville, GA, I stopped to spend some time with a friend in Pelham, GA. He and I are able to talk very openly and honestly. He has been special to me because he doesn’t give me any of the spiritual platitudes and often reminds me that he knows nothing of what I must be going through.

We were talking about the void left from Christopher passing. I described it as if my purpose were a pie, I have lost about three quarters of it. Now, Christopher was still living at home and as such, was more of a focus than he would have been down the road. I feel the need clarify that I don’t think that this means that he was ahead of God~who gave me Christopher to care for. This was my calling for the season that he was at home with me.

Trying to fill that void has been my challenge. Not so my a challenge, but an obsession. As I told Craig, there has to be something really significant that will fill the purpose I felt in being Christopher’s mom.

I subscribe to an e-mail devotional that is put out by the Navigators. Some days just reading the short devotional is the best I can do. Today, I actually read the scripture (it was short!). Exodus 9:13-16 is one of those places where God tells Moses to go to Pharaoh and tells Moses exactly what to say. I felt as though God sent the Holy Spirit to me with these words:

  • This time I am going to strike you and your servants and your people with the full force of my power so you’ll get it into your head that there’s no one like me anywhere in all the Earth. . . . But for one reason only I’ve kept you on your feet: To make you recognize my power so that my reputation spreads in all the Earth.

This is the big purpose that I as looking for: to spread God’s reputation in all the earth. Before I can do that, however, I need to get it into my own head that there is no one like God anywhere in all the earth. And I need to recognized His power. The reason that I need to know God and his power is so that I will rely on Him. That is the only way that I can have a role in ensuring His reputation spreads in all the earth.

I particularly appreciate this passage this day because much of the last week has been spent talking out my vision with my dear friend Lisa. I feel called to work with meeting the felt needs of people who live in the community my church is called to serve. I don’t feel particularly called to “evangelize”, but rather to serve. For me, living and serving like Jesus would do will spread God’s reputation. He can take it from there!

Thanks be to God that it is His job to convert the lost. I am just called to love – thereby spreading His reputation.

A good life

 

Through Facebook, I reconnected with a friend whom I have know since she was a little girl – probably 1st or 2nd grade.  I love her family dearly.  They have not had an easy life;  Her father has been ill for many years, apparently the result of exposure to chemicals in the Vietnam War.  There are just two children.


Her brother was in a youth group I lead while in college.  He was just in 8th grade.  He was an amazing kid.  I can remember talking to him about scripture memory.  I asked if he had to do it for school (obviously he didn’t go to a public school) and he said “no”; I asked if they did it as a family and he said “no”.  Finally he said he just memorized scripture because he though he should.  Eight grade and such wisdom.

He grew up and got a good education.  He was always one of the nicest kids and I believe this was recognized by his peers when he became the homecoming king.  Ultimately he married the church pianist, had two children and lived happily ever after.  Right?  Not at all. 

Their first child, I believe has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum.  Oh, what a challenge they can be.  His wife has to deal with some very difficult chronic issues of her own.  I can remember talking to him at church and through tears him telling me that the hardest thing is that he didn’t feel like he was able to care for his family; he didn’t know how to fix things.  My heart broke for him that day.

I just learned that they have divorced, for reasons unknown to me.  I know this young man (who is probably not so young anymore) and his heart for God.  I can only imagine the pain this situation has brought and, I suspect continues to bring as he tries to do the best for his children.  I don’t know who has the children or what the visitation arrangements are, but I know for him that this whole situation would be painful.

I say all of this because it gives me a different perspective on Christopher’s passing last year (oops see now it is 2009 so I can’t say last year . . . . ).  I am left with a life that I couldn’t have dreamed of since the day I met that precious little boy.  All my future dreams included Christopher.  I looked forward to his graduation, his marrying, grandchildren, just seeing him grow into the fine man I knew God was calling him to be.  Christopher factored into everything I imagined for my future.

In Christopher’s passing, I have Shattered Dreams (a book by Larry Crabb that I highly recommend), but I don’t need to have a shattered life.  God has left me with the assurance that Christopher is with Him and he has left me with a good life, albeit not what I signed up for.  When I consider this friend’s situation, he has been left with a difficult life, certainly not what he signed up for.

I don’t want to minimize my loss and my pain, but they need not be the focus all the time.  God has called me to this point for a reason.  I don’t much like it as I had wonderful dreams.  Again, at the beginning of this new year, I am facing a new chapter and I am excited.  I’ll never forget Christopher and will probably never fully be the same without him, but God has a good life for me and for that I am thankful.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I claim this for me and for my friend.

Thanks be to God.

A New Chapter

 

Well, today is new years day and the day that I have designated to begin a new chapter.  I my life were a series of books, there are volumes from the Christopher days, ending, of course with the accident.  That volume has not been finished as the legal process continues on.  That ending, however, has no impact on the beginning of my new chapter.

Actually, the Christopher days did not end on December 8, 2007 because he will always be a part of my life and a huge part of who I am.  As I am facing various decisions that will always include the thought of what Christopher would say.  I even think of this as I move into this new chapter.  no matter what choices I make down the road, the reality will always be that my options are different “because Christopher died.”  But my goal here is to try to look forward, not ignoring the past, but focusing on the future, where ultimately, I’ll be reunited with my son.
In January, I will be applying for the PhD program in Social Work at Florida State.  Effective January 9, I will be working just part-time while I take the last of my coursework to complete my Masters in Social Work.  In May, I am going to take a leave of absence from my job so that I can do my final internship on a full-time basis.  The plan currently is that I will do my internship working in a private practice that I have benefited from as they do a lot of work with foster and adopted children.  I am very excited for this opportunity.  Hopefully, this will all be finalized early in the Spring semester.
With the extra time in Spring (I’ve been working fully time, taking two classes so I figure that working part-time and just taking two classes, I should have some extra time), I have two goals.  First of all, I hope to commit some time a week to de-cluttering my house.  As many know, that is a lofty goal.  Secondly, my plan is to take time in the community that Door of Hope is called to serve.  My goal is simple; I want to begin to build relationships in an effort to understand better the needs of the community.
That is what really motivates me right now.  My passion has always been for the rights of children.  I think that too often, they are in situations void of hope.  One of the tenants of the Social Work profession is an individual’s right to self-determination.  I think what I have seen is that in order to care for the children, we must work with the parents.  I am confident that parents love their children, but I am not sure that they realize the impact their choices have on the options available to their children.
This is not about evangelism or converting these people, it is about our call to love widows and orphans and meet the needs of the poor.  I can remember growing up in the Catholic church we often sang the song, “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.”  I am simply trying to find out how best to do this.
To this end, I am considering a foundation to attract funding to serve children.  The name would be Children Deserve Hope (CDH, in honor of Christopher).  I have already registered the domain name of bighef.org (again, in honor of Christopher).    My goal is to be able to provide training/opportunities for parents and their young children in order to preserve the hope that I believe is innate in all of us until we are robbed as a consequence of life experiences.
Children do deserve hope and I personally believe that there are sufficient resources in a community like Tallahassee.  My goal is to find the resources to meet the needs identified by the community itself.

A very small window

 

Today, while driving to Williamsburg with my friend Lisa, I realized how Christopher’s death has changed the way that I see a part of the way God leads.  If you’ve ever used a GPS, you’ll know what I am talking about.  

As you are going along, you can see where you are on the screen, but you can’t see very far ahead.  You only see what you need to see for the next few miles. That is really the way that God seems to deal with me.  For example, I know that I am supposed to apply for the PhD program, but I don’t really know if that is what I need to be doing next fall; He only seems to be showing me a few steps at a time.

Until Christopher died, this was more frustrating to me than it it is today.  I used to want to see how this was all going to work together; I wanted to know what He was doing.  I know realize that I am so thankful that I didn’t know that December 8, 2007, what Christopher’s date to pass from this world to the next.  Had I known, I wouldn’t have been able to let myself enjoy what were to be his final days.  
I used to think that withholding His plan, was God’s way of denying me what I thought I needed.  In reality, withholding His plan enabled me to enjoy what I had.
God is good and life is hard.  This is not a contradiction or a lack of faith; it is my reality.  It is hard because this is not my home.
I am in Williamsburg staying in a timeshare.  Even though it is really nice, it is not my home and I don’t expect that I’ll be totally comfortable before we head home; I still can’t figure out which light switches control what lights, for example.  It makes it hard to get around.  
That is not unlike why life can be hard.  When I get to heaven, everything will have a place and be in its place, me included.  
This is not my home.  I want to go home, but again, I only see a little bit of the picture ahead and, thus far, it doesn’t include heaven.  I guess, I just have to trust that is my destination and keep on following, one little window at a time.

Facing Christmas without Christopher

 

Christmas night and I’ve made it. Last night was the toughest as there was no anticipation like there was with Christopher. He was like a little kid in a huge body when it came to getting gifts. He’d never admit it, but he really enjoyed the events: the people, the food, the gathering.

There is a part of me that feels like that is all gone for me and never to return. I did good, though, I had Christmas dinner for my brother, sister-in-law, niece and mom. I made a good meal, if I may say so myself and generally enjoyed myself. But is it just different. That family is different from what I had with Christopher and what I looked forward to with him through the years.

It has been long enough that I have trouble remembering my last Christmas with Christopher; I get so confused as they all begin to run together. That is the way I feel about a lot of the thirteen years we spent together. It is just one, long movie that is growing more silent with each passing day. Is is coming to a point that I don’t know what I remember as opposed to what I know. I know that we went on great vacations, but I want to remember every little moment, every conversation, every smile, even every argument.

I want it all back. I want every moment with him back to hold on to, to hear, to smell, to savor. Why don’t we think that we will ever forget? Why do we think that the joy will last forever?

I often wonder what, if anything, I would do differently, if I had only know that my time with Christopher was to be so very short. You know, I wouldn’t change a thing. Every encounter, every conversation, every experience, every adolescent talk-back and my response, (good, bad or ugly), is what made Christopher into the young man that he was and I loved him just the way he was (is).

I have to remind myself that Christopher “is”. He isn’t “was.” That is vital to me to know that one day I will be reunited with him again and enjoy all he was on this earth and more. I will see the remnants of our time together in his laugh, his smile, his character. I can hardly wait, but I must. Apparently there is some reason for me to be left behind and to that I’ll be searching. I may never find it, but I pray that along the way, that lives will be changed. This pain has to be good for something, something big, and I beleive it will be.

God is good and He has a plan. I don’t like it right now I am alone this Christmas night (if I were to be honest, I’d probably be alone this night even if Christopher hadn’t died. I need to remind myself of those truths as well.) He woudl be out with friends, I’m sure. And truthfully, he is with the One true Friend.

Christopher is home this night. It is me who hasn’t made it yet. Maybe I resent that he made it first; you know we were always very competitive! 🙂

Merry Christmas, Christopher. I am sure that the birthday party was a blast! Wish I could have been there.

Talk to Papa for me and see what He can do about that!

Faith is Easy

 

Faith is easy, trusting isn’t always so.  

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and we ended up talking about faith.  We demonstrate faith all the time and think nothing of it, but when it comes to having faith in God’s directions, we seem to make it more difficult.  Let me explain.
My brother, Jim, got me a GPS for Christmas last year.  I have used it to go a number of places and will again next week as I travel to Williamsburg.  It amazes me.  A few months ago, I went up to Winder, GA to visit a friend.  I don’t know the ways of rural north Georgia at all, even though I have been there several times.  But I had my GPS.  (It is a Garmin.  I call her Judy as she can be a know-it-all and besides, Judy Garmin has a familiar ring to it.) so there was no problem.  At one time, I talked to my mom and she asked where I was, to which I replied that I had know idea, but I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
This is sad to say, but I want to trust God as much as I trust my Garmin.  He has a positioning system too – it is called His will.   I want to be able to say that I don’t know where I am, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be.
I think that difference is that with my Garmin, I know my intended destination whereas with God, He doesn’t always tell me the destination . . . or does He.  My ultimate destination is Heaven.  With the loss of Christopher, I am not sure that it really matters where I spend the time between here and there.  Just like it doesn’t really matter where my Garmin takes me on the way to Winder.  I just want to get to the destination.
Perhaps thats the way I need to look at the road I am on in life.  I need to trust my God, confident that He’ll get me to the ultimate destination using the best route possible.  Of course, I’d like to enjoy the ride, but in the big picture, I just need to focus on following the directions He gives me.  Knowing that I am where I am supposed to be should help me enjoy the ride and I need to constantly remind myself of the destination.
God is good and He knows the best way through life.  My destination is secure, no matter what route He has me take.  I may not know where I am on my journey, but I know I am where I am supposed to be.

First “Anniversary” – although there has to be a better word . . .

 

I have been at Camp Charis in Pelham, GA, for nearly 24 hours now.  I came to set aside time to reflect and remember last year.  It was 52 weeks ago, today, that Christopher left this earth to begin eternity with his God.  I still wrestle with this; believe me, I know that it is real, but it is still so hard to grasp.

So why am I in Pelham Ga?  Well, I decided that this year, I wanted some control over this weekend.  If there is anything that I learned last year, is that there is really so little that I can control.  Here, I am sort of alone, although there are a lot of people around me; some who know my story and some who don’t.  I am free to do as I please, when I want, but I know that my dear friend, Craig, is keeping an eye on me.  

I want for this weekend to be a time to remember and feel the events of last year in a way that I can only do by myself, without having to take care of anybody else.  I have done that some and think I will again before I leave on Monday.  


I have thought a lot about the other lives that were changed that night.  There was a young girl who was driving a truck behind Linda.  I have no idea what impact this has had on her; I don’t suspect much as I understand that she was not taken to the hospital, but quickly released.


There are Keith, Michelle, and Jamie, Linda’s children.  I have so appreciated getting to know them though I regret the opportunity that brought us together.  I have repeatedly tried to reassure them that I have found no fault with their mother that night.  I don’t know what caused the accident, but I firmly believe that Christopher would be here today, had the car he was in that night been going the speed limit.


I don’t know much about how the driver, Christopher’s friend, is doing.  I have never heard much from him.  I have reason to believe he has not reacted to this event as I (and others who knew him well) know that Christopher would have responded.  This has made it hard for me to know how to pray.  

As I have written before, I am not angry with him, but that does not mean that I think that his choices that night do not require consequences.  Fortunately, that is not for me to decide; there is a legal process over which I have no control or influence that will take care of that.  

When I first met Linda’s daughter, she and I agreed that we didn’t want this to ruin this young man’s life.  From the little I know of such things, a failure to deal with this type of trauma appropriately is more likely to have a negative impact on this young man than any consequence that the courts deem appropriate.  I am glad that there is a God in control of this entire situation who I believe loves this young man.


It is that same belief that has given me hope for the future for my life.  If you had asked me before the accident if I would be able to go on if something happened to Christopher, I don’t think that I could even imagine it possible.  


In one week, it will have been a year . . . .

 

This time (literally) next week, it will have been one year since I learned that Christopher had been involved in an accident.  Just four hours later, I was told, “we’re sorry. . . . we did everything we could, but . . . .”

It amazes me how eerily similar it feels right now.  I just turned in an assignment electronically and my dining room table is covered with my reference materials.  The night before THE accident, I was in exact same situation.  Finishing a paper with stuff all over the dining room.
I am so thankful that tonight’s assignments complete the required work for this semester.  I have classmates who have more assignments and exams.  I don’t know what I would do if that were the case for me.  I can feel myself fading into the black hole that I have spent 51 weeks trying to climb out of.
Of course, this next weekend won’t be as bad as the reality of these days last year, but they will be painful as the reality of the loss continues to settle in.  I am amazed at all the holes that Christopher has left in my life.  The biggest is simply Christopher.  I miss Christopher, the young man he was and the man that I know he was to become.
I have to choose to focus on all the holes Christopher filled in the 13+ years that I had him in my life.  Before Christopher, I could never imagine loving as I have now loved;  I could never have imagined having been loved as I have now been loved.  I have a dear friend who wants to believe that we can love without giving our whole hearts.  I have tried to see it her way, but know that had I protected myself from the pain that I was to ultimately endure, I never would have known the love that I have known.
I wish her well in proving her thesis, but I’ll take this pain to have not missed that love.

Giving Thanks, but . . .

 

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving day; the weather was beautiful so we moved it outside and it couldn’t have been nicer.  There were 10 adults and Rose, a precious 11 month-old daughter of a couple that I know from work/school.  Everybody contributed to the dinner, so I don’t think it was overwhelming for any of us; I know that it wasn’t for me.

Thanksgiving was always Christopher’s favorite holiday; it was the most predictable in terms of food and he loved all of it.  Even Kim commented that as she was making the sweet potatoes with the marshmallows on top, she knew that would have been Christopher’s favorite.  It is hard to do anything without thinking about him and how it would be if he were there; how it had been when he was there.
A funny story about last year’s dinner was that we shared it with Julie and two of her daughters.  I had committed to dessert so I had two pies.  When I mentioned the pecan pie, Christopher asked me where I had “found” it.  I had no idea what he was talking about, but later learned that he had bought a pie from one of his teachers (they were made by ladies in the teacher’s church).  He had a piece at school and then when he got home, he couldn’t find it.  He thought that the one that I had was the “missing” pie.  I suspect that he had it on the top of his car and drove off, but we’ll never know.  He was just so matter of fact as he asked me where I found the pie – it makes me smile to remember.
So Thanksgiving is over (at least formally; we should always be giving thanks) and once again, Christopher didn’t show up.  Today is Friday, so I guess it was 51 weeks ago tonight that I lost him.  Next Sunday, December 7 marks the first anniversary (there must be a better word) of the accident that took his life.
There is still a huge part of me that can not fully appreciate the loss.  A friend’s son got married this week and I realized that was something I expected to be a part of on Christopher’s behalf and that was lost.  This coming spring he would have graduated (hopefully!) with all the pomp and business that brings.  That two was lost.
I have to remind myself that he is not in the presence of God feeling any loss for these worldly milestones.  But I am here feeling these and many losses very deeply.  There reamins a part of me that can’t imagine that he is gone from this world; I think that is God’s way of protecting me from what would be a very overwhelming sense of loss.  Not to say that just missing him isn’t overwhelming enough.
Then there is the legal process which continues on.  There have been charges filed as it relates to the accident.  Two counts of vehicular homicide.  This has given me opportunity to try to minister to the other family who lost their mom that night.  One the other side, however, it makes it very difficult to try to keep focused on the future.  Every mention of it takes me back to that night.
I am very conflicted about this legal process; I have great empathy for how hard this must be for that family.  At the same time, I don’t believe that always avoiding consequences is a good thing; it often is not the best thing in the long run.  
So, I am able to give thanks, genuinely give thanks, but I hurt in ways that I never thought possible.  I can no longer say, “Last Thanksgiving, Christopher and I . . . ”   I know that I already can’t reminisce about last Christmas, but it doesn’t feel the same.  I suspect that this confirms the fact that most people say that last Christmas doesn’t count as the first Christmas without him because I was so numb and didn’t really even try to “do” Christmas.  This year however . . . 
I rejoice that I am certain of so many things, not the least of which is that Christopher is experiencing no loss or pain or regrets.  I rejoice that I will see him again.  And, I am thankful for those truths, but for today, it just hurts and I am sad and that’s okay.

In three weeks it will have been a year . . .

 

If I may say so myself, I have done an excellent job of managing significant days over this past year. We celebrated Christopher in our lives on our adoption day (April 26) and we dedicated a playground in remembrance on his birthday. I even celebrated his birthday with family and his friends. But I come upon the most painful of the significant days. There is little to celebrate so what does one do.
I could celebrate the reality that Christopher is in Heaven. God has assured me of that. Through Christ’s death on the cross that was secured. That is worth celebrating and I don’t want to lose sight of that. But Christopher is the beneficiary of that. December 8 is the day that he received his reward and moved into the presence of his God and King. For me December 8 is a day of great loss and there is no way around that reality.
So, what do I do in remembrance on that day? Call me selfish, but I can’t celebrate. The wound is still too fresh and too deep. I miss him as my son; I miss him as my “bud”; I miss the future that he represented for me. That is a lot of loss. There is still a lot of pain. I just can’t celebrate.
Lord, God, prepare me for that day. Help me to be wise and do what I need to do to honestly face this loss and all the pain that goes with it. You have been with me all the way and I pray that You will be even more real to me December 7/8 as I remember the events that changed my world. I am thankful that You have enabled me to trust this to You and so I commit these details to You even now. Amen.