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On Being Needy

 

I hate being needy, but I am.  I am in South Africa, away from those who I know love me.  I love them too, but this is about their love for me.  

Today marks 8 months since Christopher passed on to arms of the Father.  As I look at my computer clock, it was 8 months and 15 minutes ago, that I received that news from the doctors at TMH.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I am a talker.  Rather, I need to talk.  I have often joked with people that it is so busy in my head (and it is), but when I don’t have a venue to express it, it is like steam building up in a pot – I feel like I am going to explode!  Being out of Tallahassee for 4 days and too far to call folks, the pressure has been building.  Finally, last night, my professor asked me what was going on with the legal proceedings.  Whew, I could let out steam, not in a negative way, more like a whistling tea kettle, but I had a lot of whistling to do.  I am so thankful for Dina and Kim for listening.
I can’t help but to wonder if this isn’t what God wants to be for me. I suppose that I am to need Him more than I need people.  I’m not going to dwell on that now as I am just so thankful to let it out.
This being needy, is funny to me because one of the themes throughout my life has been that I don’t want to be a burden! I often feel that my need to talk (and be heard) is a burden on those around me.  This is a persistent feeling despite the fact that people tell me otherwise.  I need to let this go.
That is why I miss those who love me.  Generally I don’t feel the burden of being a burden with them when I talk to them.  I feel loved.
Thanks be to God!

Responses to Consequences

 

I am in South Africa and have a lot of time to reflect.  Pray that I use it well and not in a destructive manner which I am prone to do.  Tough turning off the brain and my ways to shut down aren’t always good.

This week, I’ve been thinking a about consequences and what they mean.  I think that I’ve decided that they don’t “mean” much except that they happen.  Often times, we wish they didn’t, but once a deed is set into motion, consequences just happen.  The key is to not let the consequences take the focus off the choices that we made.
I have to smile when I think about Christopher’s speeding ticket.  This came less than a week after a fender bender for which he was cited.  I remember him asking why, if he does the same things his friends do, does he always get caught.  I gently (or not so) explained that that he made choices and there are consequences.  Why other’s avoided these, I didn’t know, but they are the ones who should be surprised.  In his case, I told him, God was trying to keep him safe and apparently he was a slow learner! 
Isn’t that an interesting thought? How many of us are surprised when we avoid consequences for our choices.  Not the usual response.  Rather, we tend to only be surprised when we are subjected to consequences for bad choices.  We try to rationalize why we shouldn’t be.  In a situation close to me, I’ve heard that someone was “good” and from a “good family”.  Consequences are about the choice, not the person.  They clearly impact the person and hopeful will be used to change behaviors – that is the point of consequences.
In Christopher’s case, I think that not sparing Christopher of consequences was an act of love.  The Bible talks about God only disciplining those He loves.  The purpose of discipline is to teach which is the purpose of consequences.
I would pray that we would see consequences as being allowed by God and not try to be surprised.  I pray that we would turn to Him whether we are spared consequences or have to face them.  For those of us who have a personal relationship with God, through Jesus, we know that either way, it is of God.
Whew – that takes the pressure off to have to figure out what these consequences mean!

The Ever-present Cloud

 

This coming Friday, I leave for a three week trip to South Africa.  I am going as part of an International Social Work class.  I am (understandably) very excited.  But, then I remember . . .

The only reason that I am going is because Christopher died nearly 7 months ago.  People asked if I am looking forward to it, but they don’t realize that before this trip was planned, I had reservations for our favorite unit at our favorite condo on Ormond Beach, Florida.  Our reservation was July 12-19.  I’d much rather be going to the “same old place” with Christopher than to be taking this adventure.

Let’s Make it a Wrap

 

From the beginning, I have hated the word denial as I think it would appear stupid to deny the accident or that Christopher died.  So, for a long time, I preferred the word disbelief, because I just couldn’t believe it really happened.  Now, I have decided that I feel like I am playing a part in a movie.

When Heath Ledger died, I had heard stories about how playing the dark Joker in the Batman movie had a powerful impact on him.  I think that this role as the grieving mother who has lost her son is having a unreal impact on me; an impact I could have never imagined nor will ever fully understand.  I just want to cry out that the movies is good enough – we can call it a wrap and be done with it.  Then I could adjust back to the “normal” that I so miss.  Christopher would be back with me and I would be frustrated with his 17 year old-ness, but I would love him and he would know that.
Please, let’s make it a wrap!  Please let this end or tell me when it is expected to end.  I just need to know that I will bet back to my life at some point, the life I so enjoyed, but certainly didn’t adequately appreciate.

My Gentle Father

 

Throughout the past six months, I have been keenly aware of God’s presence, but I haven’t actually talked to Him.  I have prayed, but not particularly about me or the passing of Christopher.  I have been honest with people about this.  The only thing that I could figure was that I was afraid of the flood of emotion that might come with such intimacy.  I honestly didn’t doubt that God could handle it, but rather, I didn’t think that I had the energy to deal with it.


Over the past week, God has chosen to use dogs to show me what he wants me what it is to rest in my relationship with Him.  Last week at my friend’s house, their Dog, Shadow, was reluctant to come to me when I was sitting by the pool.  I could tell he had been thrown in (there is a teenage boy in this family!).  Even though through all my time with him, I had been a faithful person who would give him attention at his request, but he just couldn’t trust me.

Then yesterday, my little dog, Grizzly, was snuggled up against me, but he was resisting being held.  Then I found myself saying to him, “Just relax and rest.”  Those words were as from God to me.  That is really all God expects from me.  I just need to climb into His arms, relax and rest.

Much later that day, I finally decided to “try” to relax and rest (note the irony?)  I had decided to go to Psalm 23 as I knew that was “safe”.  After reading that, I turned back a page and began to read Psalm 22.  It was a very encouraging time.  The first verse starts out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”  As soon as I read that, I realized why I was hesitant to go to God.  I think that I was afraid that I would find a bunch of emotions ~ along the lines of this question ~ that I really didn’t want to deal with.  As soon as I read those words, I realized that they didn’t resonate with me with regards to Christopher’s passing.  I believe by leading me to this particular verse that God gave me exactly what he knew that I needed.  Shouldn’t be a big surprise, but it is a huge relief!

I am fully aware that these emotions may come as I continue on through this terrible, terrible process, but I truly believe that God will be gently as He deals with these issues.  He loves me first; everything else comes from that.

The Hope of Easter

 

Yesterday was Easter. I very significant holiday for a Christian, but truthfully, not one filled with a lot of family memories that made it a difficult “first” since Christopher’s death.

But I must say that I considered Easter much more somberly this year. What if Jesus hadn’t risen on that first Easter morning? There would be no hope – our sins would have been paid for (through His death; a sacrifice on our behalf), but I don’t think that eternity would have been the same.

Now, I am certainly no theologian, so don’t look at this that way. I guess I look at the Christ-followers of that day and can only imagine how they felt between Friday when Jesus died and Sunday when appeared again. It had to be a terrible few days! If they understood why Jesus had to die, they might have understood forgiveness, but I am not sure that was a great comfort. Our salvation is secured in the crucifixion, but our joy is secured in the resurrection. The real comfort comes in life, not death.

As a believer, Christopher was forgiven, but because of the resurrection, I know he lives. That is what gives me hope; and in that hope, I can find joy.

The Choice of Words

 

This weekend marked the three month “anniversary” of Christopher’s accident. That is how I usually refer to it. I rarely say, “his death”. Odd, I know.

Today, Monday, March 10, it dawned on me that it was three months ago today that I “buried my son”. Wow. That is almost more harsh than “his death.” Words are interesting. One expression that is used is that “I lost my son”. At the time of the accident I would tell the story of the accident and then say, “Christoper didn’t make it.”

When I refer to the service that we had on December 10th at the church, I say, “Christopher’s service.” I never refer to it as his funeral. Technically, it was a memorial service because his body was not there, but I can assure you that I am not being so precise, I am being selective. There is no way to soften, “I buried my son.”

Why do I want to soften it anyways? It is not as if the reality is any different if I use “nicer” words. My house and heart aren’t any emptier because “I lost my son” or “he didn’t make it” than it is that he died. December 10 was a difficult day – whether it was a service or a funeral. And I did bury my son that day.

It is a hard reality and different words aren’t going to make is less so. It is my reality and I hate it (I almost said, “I don’t like it”, but that is too polite for the circumstances.) I hate it.

Grief – A Strange Process

 

By all accounts, I have been doing very well lately. I took a brief trip out of town last week and came back all refreshed and optimistic. It has been a really good week. Many around me warn me, however, that while this is wonderful that I need to realize that it won’t last, uninterrupted. That is, I will have low times again.

Today/tomorrow mark 3 months since all this happened. This is an odd “anniversary” because it is a Friday/Saturday just like it was in December. I can feel myself slipping, although not dilberately, into kind of a melancholy mood. I don’t want to, but I don’t seem to have control. I don’t like not having control.

Grief seems to me to be a process that just happens; you can mange it, perhaps, but you can not control it.

Motivation

 

I am still in New Orleans. It has been a good trip, but sometimes it is hard for me to let myself enjoy even the littlest of things. I just doesn’t feel right to have fun in light of Christopher’s death. But then I have to think of Christopher; I am convinced that he would be so upset if he felt that, through his death, he ruined my life. He didn’t have the power to ultimately determine the quality/value of my life in living and therefore, he certainly doesn’t have that power in death.

So where does that leave me? Incredibly motivated to find a way through the pain and grief to a full life. That is what he would want. In our 13 years together, Christopher gave me a very special way to look at life; he was the great observer of life. I want to honor him by considering how he would have enjoyed life and imitating him. That is what he would want.

So, that is my motivation. I need to let myself enjoy living as I would have with him here. After all, he’ll always be here in my heart and mind.

I miss him terribly, but it would be a shame to let his death detract from all that he brought to me through his life.

Do you have any children?

 

I am at a conference for work in New Orleans this week. Today, as I made small talk during lunch, the enivitable question was finally asked for the first time since Christopher’s death; “Do you have any children?”

“Yes! I have a son who died as a result of a car accident in December.”

That one simple question, which I had dreaded, put an end to the question of whether I am still a mother. I had feared the question, but it was finally asked and I instinctively knew the answer. Yes I am a mother; I have a son who is at home with his Heavenly Father.

That is the hope we have in the Gospel.

Praise God!