I attended a going away lunch in honor of Jackie Barksdale who is leaving Florida Baptist Children’s Homes after 23 years. There have been changes recently that resulted in Jackie’s need to leave, but she wishes things were such that she could have stayed.

Conflicting emotions.

As part of the luncheon, they showed a video of pictures of many of the children and families whose lives have been touched by Jackie through the years. Jackie was the person at Florida Baptist who first believed in the possibility of Christopher and I becoming a family. As a result, there were several pictures of Christopher in the presentation. It was touching, but very painful.

Conflicting emotions.

Afterwards, Mileya (who had prepared the video) asked if it was okay . . . the way she included Christopher was okay; she had considered leaving him out thinking it would be too difficult to see, just (nearly) eight months after his death. It was so touching to see how a presentation that reflected how precious he was to Jackie (and the FBCH family), but it was so very sad.

Conflicting emotions.

I was pleased with how I handled it. I was very honest with how painful it was, but quickly reminded people that pain isn’t bad. Yes, I was very sad, but sad isn’t bad either. Pain and sad just are realities after the death of a child. I’ve decided that they can’t be avoided. The problem is that people would rather not think about the pain and sadness that is my reality. In the book Shattered Dreams, Larry Crabb recounts a story of a man whose wife had recently died overheard his friends talking about how he is doing. They commented that he was doing “great”. He felt that he had to always be doing great because that is what he has to tell people so that they can be comfortable. He said that he is tired of doing “great”.

I’m not as kind as that man. I am not doing great and I won’t tell you that I am. The best I’ll give you is that “all things considered, I’m doing okay.” Today, I told people that I was sad and that it was painful. They just have to deal with it. After all, I don’t have a choice; why should they?

Of course I am just kidding myself to think that I could hide it if I tried. The tears were flowing freely. This is kind of new for me. I’ve done a good job at not letting people see my tears. No more. I have to deal with it; those around me will just have to deal with it. After all, I don’t have a choice, why should they? I don’t want people to see me hurting, but I would be doing a disservice to myself and to Christopher if I was able to “act” like this is an overwhelmingly sad and painful time.

Conflicting emotions.

Okay – I am back in Tallahassee after the adventure of going to South Africa. I first learned about and started to consider this trip just a week after Christopher died. So now, after 7+ months of anticipation and looking forward to it, it is now in the past. What does that leave me with; a lot of great memories for which I am very thankful, but now what.

A song by Steven Curtis Chapman says,

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

I know that is true. I know that is true for Christopher and I know that is true for me. It is just a little more clear for Christopher right now than it feels for me.

I am applying my “you can’t steer a parked car” right now. I just keep moving and we’ll see where God directs me. I don’t like this feeling right now; I don’t like being so obviously out of control. Truth be told, if I have learned anything in the last almost 8 months it is that I was never really in control; it was only ever an illusion.

Over the last three weeks I read Larry Crabb’s Shattered Dreams and although I could identify with almost everything, it made me very uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact that this implies that Christopher died so that I would find a deeper relationship with God. Wasn’t there a different way? Did Christopher have to die? There must have been another way? If there wasn’t another way, what does that say about me? Was I so hard-hearted that the only option was to take my son?

Then I have to remind myself that Christopher didn’t lose in all this. He is not in heaven thinking, “Darn, I don’t get to go to prom!” He is more than satisfied with the outcome. It is me that is challenged by the whole thing, because my perspective is so limited.

It doesn’t, however, change the pain. For that understanding, I appreciated Crabb’s book. Permission to hurt in today’s Christian culture is rare. I hurt and that means nothing other than I am in the reality of Shattered Dreams

I had a very odd experience last night, wonderfully odd. Let me explain.

I have always been fully aware that had it not been for Christopher’s death, I would not have been on this trip as I would have planned and totally enjoyed a vacation with him in lieu of this trip. I believe in a sovereign God who is very much into the details of our lives.

1. Christopher died
2. I came to South Africa
3. As part of my class, we visited McCords Hospital where I met Dr. Jay Mannie
4. Dr. Mannie prayed a blessing for our meal – I knew he was a Christian
5. I asked about a church to which he inquired about my preferences and then invited me to his church
6. I visited church Sunday
7. It was the birthday of a boy named Matthew and they had planned to celebrate it with the children of an orphanage
8. We joined them for the trip out to the rural area
9. Andy invited us to a cell group on Wednesday; I went and we talked about the needs of the orphanage.

I have so many thoughts of how perhaps I could be used to help address the very real needs of these children. I look at this opportunity and know that I would not been available had Christopher not died. I am not sure that I understand this (as a matter of fact, I now that I don’t).

It is so conflicting in my heart. I am honored to possibly be a part of this work, but I’d rather have Christopher – I know that God could certainly raise up anyone to work on behalf of these children, but nothing will replace Christopher.

I don’t know how I feel about this new vision and purpose. I loved my old life, the vision of a daughter-in-law and grandchildren . . . or simply the hope of seeing Christopher becoming that man I believed God would make him.

i don’t know that this opportunity with the orphanage will materialize, but I can tell that it is a sign that God has something for me. He will give me a new vision, a new direction, a new hope. But more than anything, He will continue to give me Himself. I have found Him in new ways in South Africa. I had always believed that He gave me Christopher and now I wait to see what he has next for me. I pray that I would find Him alone to be enough.

I am just sad today. I don’t want to be, but I am. I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I am. I don’t know why I am, but I am. I think that reality is so odd or the way my mind can’t fully grasp it. Yes, I am talking about Christopher’s death. I just don’t think that I fully get it yet. I think that is probably good because if I tried to grasp my loss all at one time, I certainly would have been overwhelmed. I really am even at such a slow pace of understanding.

I just read that the services will be on Saturday for little Gracie Chen. I simply ache for Lili.

Yesterday (Monday) as a rough day. Don’t really know why except that I am getting worn out – physically as well as emotionally. There is so much desperate need here that I can hardly take it all in. Add to that, being asked how my son is doing . . . he’s fine, but he has died, was response. I am sure more awkward from the inquirer than for myself.

I am reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. His premise is that God will do whatever it takes to arouse our desire for Him; His primary purpose is not for us to feel good, so that should not be our goal when responding to “Shattered Dreams.” I don’t disagree, but I don’t know how to live it out either. There are few people who really want to know of my daily struggle; they want to hear that I am doing well. I don’t even know what that means anymore. I am getting up every day and getting about the business at hand, but if I stop long enough to consider the events of December 7-8, the pain is overwhelming. . . . and the tears will come.

Last night I had a wonderful dinner with some terrific people. it was a great time. Then I realized that the conversation had moved to the joy of the first grandchild, now almost two. How wonderful it is to be a grand and how it is so very different . . . they spoke of something that I most likely lost that night. The tears came; I excused myself from the table but it was too late.

I felt like it was so unfair of me to detract from their joy with my pain; that wasn’t certainly my intention. I’d prefer to retreat for some time, but that is not an option. I must make people comfortable by “doing good” . . . or maybe not. I don’t know.

I am still in South Africa, but not as homesick. We was able to attend a worship service yesterday that put a lot into perspective. God is here.

Earlier in the week during a site visit to a local Christian hospital I met a Dr. Mannie. He had a totally different perspective from what we had previously been exposed to and then he prayed and I understood. Afterwards, I went to him and asked about a local Christian Church. He asked about my preferences and then suggested the church where he worships. Five of us attended and were so very blessed.

After the service, Dr. Mannie took us to an “orphanage” where a woman had opened her home to 32 children who generally were not safe at their own homes. The church is reaching out to her to help her meet this overwhelming need in her community. Both on the way up and back, Dr. Mannie asked questions in an effort to really know and understand each of us.

I was able to share about Christopher and this process

All this to say, I am not as homesick anymore. I have been welcomed into a local community of believers, a relationship that I pray will be lasting. I am at home in the body of Christ, wherever it manifests itself.

I am in South Africa and I am homesick. I think that it has a lot do with the fact that I know that this weekend my dear friends will be finishing the process of “undoing” Christopher’s room. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I return to my house and Christopher’s room is gone. This is an important step in moving forward. Christopher would want me to move forward, to be sure.

When i return, I have two classmates who are going to be staying with me for 2 weeks in August until the dormitories on campus open. His room will be a room to one of these girls. I am thankful to be able to help them in this way. Christopher would be glad as well, to be sure.

I am highly motivated by knowing that Christopher would have been angry with me if I let his death “ruin” my life. That would be giving him way too much power, to be sure.

I sit here trying to realize that Christopher is not longer with me in this world. I still can’t believe it. I have never liked the word denial as I believe that to say that I was in denial about the fact that Christopher died would make me look foolish. I have preferred to use the word disbelief. I think that now I am ignorant to the reality of Christopher’s death. Not to the fact of his death, but to the implications of his death.

I have lost so much more than a son; I have lost the hope of a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, enjoying seeing that man that Christopher was to become, the way that I know that he would be used in the lives of many. I have lost so much more than a son, but I have found something that I never imagined. Over the last seven-plus months, I have been in awe of the power of God to sustain me. I had no idea of what God in my life really meant.

I so want more of Him.

Yesterday, I learned of the death of Gracie Chen, the precious daughter of Lili and Ping. I can remember back to when I had a party the Christmas after Gracie was born. Lili and Ping came with Gracie in her little car seat. She just made a peep and then ran to rescue her. So loved.

It brought my whole experience right back to the forefront; reopened a never-to-be-fully-healed wound.

I know something of the pain that Lili and Ping are feeling, but even I don’t know exactly what they are feeling; if there is anything that I heave learned in the past 7 months is that this is a uniquely personal experience. I have been so astonished how no two parents respond the same. I had a long talk with Pat Lager last night and it was so helpful. I am a talker; not much is repressed in my world. That is a good thing, at least for me. I don’t know how everybody else feels about it, but they seem to tolerate it okay. I has been good to be with a group of social workers – especially the ones who who have actually worked in the field.

It has been a blessing to once again see my friends in this process. They appear to have collectively agreed that it would be best if I didn’t find out about Gracie. I did find out because of the wonders of technology and the internet. I am glad that I did. I would not have wanted to find out about this upon my return – too much emotion at one time.

There is an expression that the devil is in the details. In this case as well as many other in the past few months, I have seen that my God is in the details and for that I am thankful. His timing really is so much better than mine; is perspective is so much for clear than mine.

I am the child of an amazing God!

Today is July 12, the first day of my reservation at Casa Del Mar, at Ormond Beach, FL, where Christopher and I had vacationed for years. He loved that place. Two years ago, we were able to take his buddy, Jeremiah Elliott, and they had such a great time (although you can’t tell it from the picture)!

When we started going to Ormond, we used a timeshare the my brother owned for years and never really used. We used it two years in a row and then I traded it in to upgrade to a points-based time share so that we had more options and could go to a larger room (this was a fixed week, fixed unit situation and he was clearly growing out of sleeping with mom!) The next two years we stayed at Casa Del Mar. Then I tried to get adventuresome and switch accomadations; Christopher was not happy. He had found what he liked and there was no reason to change it, but, having no choice, he went along with me.

It was a disaster. I spoke to the people and they agreed to move us back to the Casa Mel Mar, putting us in a room better than we had ever had! Needless to say, we returned there every year thereafter and I never lived it down!

Just two years ago, I acquired additional points that enabled us to get a huge two bedroom unit on the top floor. So last summer, we enjoyed that he he was living large! Ms Lisa (as Christopher always called Husley), joined us last year and we experienced some new things in the area, most notable, we climbed to the top of a lighthouse at the end of the island. It was so fun to share this with Lisa so that we can enjoy this fond memory of a great young man.

So here I am sitting in Cape Town South Africa, and I’d give anything to be with Christopher in the same town, at the same condo, doing the same things that we have done the previous seven or eight years – just the way he liked it.

Who’d have thunk it. . . .

I have used this expression for years. Generally in terms of making changes in processes at work. The idea is that if we know we need to make changes, we just need to start. If we overcorrect, then we’ll adjust. My new application of this principle is related to following God. The whole point is that it changes the focus from working to follow Him to allowing Him to lead. Let me explain.

Since Christopher’s death, I have felt a need to re-examine everything. I’ve been counseled that you don’t make any big decisions in the first year and I don’t plan to. What I do plan to do is to start moving in a new direction. First of all, I have decided to apply for the PhD program at FSU in Social Work. If accepted, would hope to start that in Fall 2009. In order to make that happen, I am putting the word out that I am interested in a part-time job. The idea is that being part time at the University will keep me in my state retirement (I have 7 years to go) and allow me to move on in the PhD program. In addition, it will make my schedule more flexible to do some more at Door of Hope, which is why I believe that God has me doing all of this.

In addition, I plan to pursue a certificate in “Social Entrepreneurialism” from the University of Tampa. The idea is to figure out who to make it worthwhile to get people to invest in solutions to social problems.

I have no idea if this will work out and I am not really too terribly concerned about it. I plan to keep moving in this direction until or unless the Lord shows me another way. I am the moving car and I am trusting that God will guide me in the direction that I am to go. I just need to keep my heart open to him.

Does that make sense?