Christmas night and I’ve made it. Last night was the toughest as there was no anticipation like there was with Christopher. He was like a little kid in a huge body when it came to getting gifts. He’d never admit it, but he really enjoyed the events: the people, the food, the gathering.

There is a part of me that feels like that is all gone for me and never to return. I did good, though, I had Christmas dinner for my brother, sister-in-law, niece and mom. I made a good meal, if I may say so myself and generally enjoyed myself. But is it just different. That family is different from what I had with Christopher and what I looked forward to with him through the years.

It has been long enough that I have trouble remembering my last Christmas with Christopher; I get so confused as they all begin to run together. That is the way I feel about a lot of the thirteen years we spent together. It is just one, long movie that is growing more silent with each passing day. Is is coming to a point that I don’t know what I remember as opposed to what I know. I know that we went on great vacations, but I want to remember every little moment, every conversation, every smile, even every argument.

I want it all back. I want every moment with him back to hold on to, to hear, to smell, to savor. Why don’t we think that we will ever forget? Why do we think that the joy will last forever?

I often wonder what, if anything, I would do differently, if I had only know that my time with Christopher was to be so very short. You know, I wouldn’t change a thing. Every encounter, every conversation, every experience, every adolescent talk-back and my response, (good, bad or ugly), is what made Christopher into the young man that he was and I loved him just the way he was (is).

I have to remind myself that Christopher “is”. He isn’t “was.” That is vital to me to know that one day I will be reunited with him again and enjoy all he was on this earth and more. I will see the remnants of our time together in his laugh, his smile, his character. I can hardly wait, but I must. Apparently there is some reason for me to be left behind and to that I’ll be searching. I may never find it, but I pray that along the way, that lives will be changed. This pain has to be good for something, something big, and I beleive it will be.

God is good and He has a plan. I don’t like it right now I am alone this Christmas night (if I were to be honest, I’d probably be alone this night even if Christopher hadn’t died. I need to remind myself of those truths as well.) He woudl be out with friends, I’m sure. And truthfully, he is with the One true Friend.

Christopher is home this night. It is me who hasn’t made it yet. Maybe I resent that he made it first; you know we were always very competitive! 🙂

Merry Christmas, Christopher. I am sure that the birthday party was a blast! Wish I could have been there.

Talk to Papa for me and see what He can do about that!